Dixie’s guide to the Brownlow’s

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September 22, 2014 by dixwah

Brownlow time. I’ve never been, but considering I’ve done more cricket and rugby presentations that you’ve had spring rolls, I’ve declared myself more than qualified to give you some inside knowledge on how to make the most of the night.

Be punctual

Pretty simple, there’s free piss to be had prior to the formal sit-down. If you haven’t had four you’re either not trying hard enough or your cabbie was useless.

Set yourself a measurable target - say six beers before sitting down

Set yourself a measurable target – say six beers before sitting down

Location, location, location

Clubs closer to the bar are at a huge advantage. Waiters fill up, and when they do, you pounce. It’s important to scout the table list early, and it’s recommended to always have a permanent marker handy in case editing is required.

Have a pre-award/vote strategy

There’s no such thing as an award night without drinking games. Be imaginative. Every time the term ‘best team all year’ is mentioned works well as a starting point. Also work out who’s speaking on behalf of the team gun who’s off overseas. I find it works best to actually just speak like you are that player, and to be as awkward as possible.

Thanks, it means a lot to win this award, I had a fair few distractions off-field this year, with the divorce and all, so to win it really means a lot.

I’d really like to thank my new fiancee Tracey (point to someone yonder), you are my rock, and without you, I know I wouldn’t be up here tonight.  

ALWAYS heckle the entertainment

No-brainer. There’s no doubt on your table that you’re funnier than Vince Sorrenti, and it’s about time he knew it.

Long speeches also deserve a razz (slow clap perhaps), and those ridiculous participation awards should never go by without scrutiny.

Spirit of cricket? We’d rather win the comp thanks Lindfield!

I'll give you a joke Vince! Lindfield and the spirit of cricket. That's a joke (high fives).

I’ll give you a joke Vince! Lindfield and the spirit of cricket. That’s a joke (high fives).

The disappearing wine game

Experienced players know that it’s last drinks at 11, but there’s lee way until 12 to get you out. Stockpile. Strategically order two wine bottles every 8 to 12 minutes, and place one under the table for later. There’s generally 10-15 bottles by full-time.

Don’t get caught next to the blind veteran

Always aim to be the second drunkest at the table. Under no circumstances get caught minding the drunk veteran. Champion he may be, but carrying him across the footbridge at Darling Harbour is not a good way to end the night.

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