Dixie’s guide to supermarket self-kiosk ‘maximisation’

– 3 August –

So you’re telling me that there are opportunistic, immoral, inevitably hell-bound people out there that actually don’t scan everything in the bag when they use the self-service kiosks at Coles and Woolies?

According to the Gospel of Fairfax, they’re called SWIPERS – which I fully get as a double entendre, but not the caps (STOP YELLING AT ME) – and up to one-third of you do it regularly.

An honest mistake, your honour

An honest mistake, Your Worship

Initial questions abound. Where has our collective conscious gone? What sort of society have we become? How did these idiots ruin it for everyone?

Apparently the game was up when these scoundrels just put everything in as carrots.

“Further exploration of the irregularity found that over 1000 transactions involving more than three pre-packed 1 kilogram bags of carrots had passed through its self-service checkouts in one week,” said the researcher, undoubtedly puffing their chest and bound for some role with ASIO.

"If we put these tubs of olive oil down as carrots they'll never find out."

“If we put these tubs of olive oil down as carrots they’ll never find out.”

Not that I would, but… having thought through this sort of low-grade behaviour in some weaker moments (Imagine if I…), here are a few tips for new players:

– Chillies in a brown mushroom bag are very likely to go undetected

– Always plead ignorance when the patrol calls you out on putting a Roma tomato through as truss

– If you’re into stuff like removing a discounted sticker from an ageing Chocolate Moove carton and re-sticking on a barbecue chicken, there’s normally no cameras in the corner between the milk and the meat

– Outside of cost, broccolini and broccoli are actually the same thing

– When you struggle to sleep at night following a heist, think of your action as an equalisation measure – the supermarket has made large profits by employing kiosks ($0/hr) instead of 15 year-old kids ($15/hr), and by taking a mango without paying you’re standing up for the little guy. Zzzzzzz.



The most important rule of self check-out, however, is that you NEVER, EVER get a receipt. If you are being a little bit sneaky, good luck to the staffer who’s going to stop you, get the receipt printed manually from the kiosk and go through your bag item by item to ensure everything’s hunky-dory.

But imagine a world where only the not-guilty took receipts. By elimination, this would make it glaringly obvious that the guy who didn’t take one only paid for two chocolate muffins. Incriminating my fellow man is not a game I’m particularly keen on playing. Even if it does get me a $10 four-pack of Fat Yak at BWS.

The scene of the crime

So when you aren’t swiping, I mean you still are with the scanner, but when you aren’t stealing anything, just walk away.

Next week: Opal cards and the art of the “swipe-but-not-swipe”

5 thoughts on “DIXIE DOES LIFE

  1. Shannon Cole says:

    Haha, this is funny.
    Can definitely relate as a late 20s coffee convert myself. Would always choose an instant over espresso … There, I said it!

  2. GMc says:

    My vote for ordinary office ettiquette … Monday’s Expert. He is the bloke who can always tell you why the team than won on the weekend won. But where was his opinion on Friday?

  3. The Doddster says:

    Some of your best work

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